Your Daily WTF: Man Calls Cops to Report “Drugs” in Wife’s Purse; Turns out, It Was a Cocktail Umbrella

This story is like a [amazon text=matryoshka doll&asin=B00WQNRNUO] of stupid. It’s stupid wrapped inside stupid wrapped inside more concentrated stupid. It’s actually hard to know when the stupid ends.

First, you will probably recognize Wyoming, Minnesota as it was featured on TDS last week on 4/20, when the town’s police department thought it would just be hilarious to send out this Tweet making light of the fact that police officers in some states like to routinely arrest people and ruin their lives over a harmless plant that is legal in many other states.

Well, here they are again Tweeting out this confounding story:

A man thought he found drugs in his wifes purse & contacted us. He was happy to learn that the items were just a broken cocktail umbrella. pic.twitter.com/Yx5erLtzP0

— Wyoming, MN Police (@wyomingpd) April 2, 2017

Yes. That’s apparently right. Let’s recap.

Someone in a town so ate up the cops like to joke about arresting people and ruining their lives over a harmless plant that is legal in many other states called said cops on his own wife to report nebulous “drugs”… which turned out to be the broken pieces of a cocktail umbrella in a plastic baggy.

Before you say, “Well, maybe she was having drinks with someone else and cheating on him, so he thought he’d get revenge by calling the cops on her,” there are (at least) two things wrong with that argument.

A) Owning a broken cocktail umbrella in a plastic baggy is not illegal in America… or (hopefully) in Wyoming, Minnesota, so calling the cops on her wouldn’t cause her to get in trouble (hopefully).

and

B) The guy apparently had no clue what a freaking cocktail umbrella even is.

@pigwigeon1 No we had to Google a picture of what a cocktail umbrella looks like not broken into pieces.

— Wyoming, MN Police (@wyomingpd) April 3, 2017

Questions abound:

1. Why was he snooping in his wife’s purse to begin with?

2. How did he not know broken pieces of wood and paper aren’t drugs?

3. What does he think “drugs” are exactly?

4. Who in the hell calls the cops on his own wife for a non-violent crime?

5. Does he have a comfortable couch (because that’s probably where he’s going to be sleeping for awhile while his wife goes out and collects a few more cocktail umbrellas).

And, sorry, but —

6. What is the average IQ score in Wyoming, Minnesota?

Other people had questions and concerns as well.

@wyomingpd I have so many questions

— GetOffMyLawn (@bishopwsu) April 21, 2017

@wyomingpd first of all, what tha fuck.
second of all, what tha fuck

— sare (@sareminzz) April 21, 2017

@wyomingpd “a man”

— Tonatiuh Cantu (@YungFertileGod) April 21, 2017

@wyomingpd I’m going to assume that you didn’t offer him a job in your investigative unit? Quite the sleuth.

— Rogsternation (@Rogsternation) April 3, 2017

@wyomingpd “I heard about those four twenties and I tell ya I just cant imagine being married to someone who eats the devil’s lettuce pls come get her”

— Bad H(a)mbre (@DisraelTV) April 21, 2017

@wyomingpd what’s a cocktail umbrella doing in MN???

— Paul Wartenberg (@PaulWartenberg) April 21, 2017

The more the Wyoming, Minnesota police Tweet about it, the more I have to admit, I’m really really really glad I don’t live there.