This Crime Is So Gross, The Article About It Should Come with a Free Lobotomy So You Can Unknow It

Disclaimer: This story does not come with a free lobotomy. Read at your own risk because —

This is 28-year-old Timothy Blake:

He is suspected of going around to various Marietta City, Ohio shopping malls, masturbating in the parking lots, filling up syringes with his semen, then walking around the malls and randomly squirting various women with them.

Police have been looking for this guy for two months now. TWO MONTHS. That’s how long (at least) he’s been doing this.

“The first report came in two months ago from a woman who had found this on her bottom and after cleaning it off in the bathroom had walked out to find him waiting and staring at her,” Sheriff Larry Mincks said.

Cops finally caught Blake based on a victim’s description of his truck; the guy was so smart, he used his company’s work truck to do this in!

He was also on the way to have dinner with his wife. (You can only imagine what that phone call was like… “Uh, hi honey, sorry I’m gonna be late for dinner… I’ve been arrested… um…”)

Blake admitted to not one, not two, not five, but 12, that’s right, a dozen instances of doing this. He was charged with stalking, probably because something more specific to describe such a disgusting thing one person can do to violate another person has not been officially created yet.

And that’s just what he admitted to, by the way. Blake claims he heard about this nifty idea on The Internet, a magical bastion of great ideas like this one. I mean, other people go to Pinterest and get ideas to build shelves out of repurposed wood or something… but this guy… wha???

“It’s not something that we’ve encountered before,” Sheriff Mincks told WTAP.

GEE YOU THINK?

While Blake remains in custody for his arraignment today, Mincks is asking any other women who think they may have been victims to please come forward and call the Washington County Sheriff’s Department at (740) 376-7070.

Can you imagine that first conversation Blake’s gonna have in prison?

“What are you in for?”

…

Someone is probably going to get their ass kicked. Just saying.