The Latest BS Health Problem: “Dormant Butt Syndrome”

I hate to say it, but examples like this have to be why people in other countries laugh at Americans.

Now Ohio State researchers claim that “tight hip flexors and weak gluteal muscles” from not getting enough exercise, sitting too much, or sleeping in the fetal position can cause unnecessary strain on surrounding muscles that may lead to chronic knee, hip, and back pain.

They’ve decided to call this “Dormant Butt Syndrome” or DBS.

DBS, however real it might be, just sounds like BS thanks to the name they chose.

When someone says, “Yeah, life sucks, I’ve been diagnosed with DBS,” the person they’re talking to is obviously going to immediately think they are lazy, and rather than rectify that situation, they got themselves diagnosed with a syndrome to justify it instead. Their butt has been dormant for too long. So long in fact that it has become a syndrome. They might even ask if there’s a drug one can take for DBS. Surely one of our fabulous pharmaceutical companies will come up with some more BS to fit the bill.

I imagine it would go something like, “Do you suffer from DBS? Ask your doctor today if these BS pills can cure your DBS BS. Side effects are acne, blurred vision, cataracts, difficulty sleeping and insomnia, bruising easily, high blood pressure, increased growth of body hair in places you wish it wouldn’t, increased appetite, liver problems, kidney pain, angry trolls, hallucinations clowns are trying to kill you, genital warts and death. Ask your doctor today!”

And there will be people who get diagnosed with this and defend it as a real affliction that should be up there with actual diseases and syndromes… instead of just getting off of their lazy asses. They’ll probably start handing out handicapped parking stickers for it so those “suffering” from it can take some quadriplegic’s or wounded veteran’s parking space at the grocery store.

Here’s a very official video about DBS, in a further attempt to make it a real thing.