How to Become a Government Spy in Three Easy Steps

If you thought that your childhood dreams of being a spy were dashed on the rocky cliffs of reality, have I got news for you!

The Department of Homeland Gestapo Security is looking for spies right now.  In fact they are actively recruiting everyday folks in the name of anti-terrorism to perform surveillance.  Your country needs you, my friend!

The requirements are not as stringent as you might think.  Back when you applied for that position in the FBI, you needed a certain degree, an impeccable record and a background check.

Today, all you need is a check list and access to a phone or a computer. It really is that simple, so let’s get started and fight some crime!

STEP ONE:

If you SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.  The DHS has a website chock full of tips to allow you to determine whether your neighbor has a bomb building facility in his garage or if he’s just planning to dig up and fertilize a big garden.  There’s even a patriotic acronym to help you remember what information a good spy should provide.

S SIZE:   note the number of people in the group, details of their appearance, gender and approximate ages.

A ACTIVITY – describe exactly what they are doing.

L LOCATION – document exactly where the suspicious activity taking place

U UNIFORM – remember what they are wearing, including shoes

T TIME – provide the date, time of day and duration of the activity

E EQUIPMENT – be able to describe the vehicle, camera, weapons or suspicious packages

STEP TWO:

Go undercover as….yourself.

No matter what your occupation, the DHS has a flyer for you. The FBI has produced a series of handouts to help you get your junior agent badge.  These “suspicious activity reporting flyers” can be found at PUBLICINTELLIGENCE.NET.

The “threat menu” provides linke to documents that will help you spot a budding terror cell in the following settings or occupations:

Airport Service Provider

Beauty Supply Store

Pharmacy

Bulk Fuel Distributors

Construction Sites

Diving or Marine Shops

Electronics Stores

Farm Supply Stores

Banks and Financial Institutions

Hobby Shops

Home Improvement Stores

Hotels or Motels

Internet Cafes

Shopping Malls

Martial Arts Studios

Paintball Arenas

Mass Transit

Military Surplus Stores

Peroxide and Explosive Vendors

Rental Car Agencies

Rental Properties and Apartment Buildings

Moving Van Rental Businesses

Storage Facilities

Tattoo Parlors

Of course, these locations don’t give all of us the opportunity to surveil those around us.  For the rest of us, thankfully, there’s WAL-MART.  We all know that Wal-Mart is a veritable hub of terrorist activities but the DHS has it covered, with ads promoting “hometown security” at a check out near you.

(HINT: Be especially certain to keep a watchful eye on those people purchasing excessive amounts of rice…it’s a dead giveaway that the buyer is an anti-government extremist.)

STEP THREE

If all else fails and you are stymied with your observations of your friends, neighbors and coworkers, you can consider a career change and become a HOT DOG VENDOR and be personally trained by the TSA.

Through a branch of their FIRST OBSERVER PROGRAM,  a secret spy organization comprised of school bus drivers and other transportation providers, the TSA trained over 8000 hot dog vendors and park employees covertly to keep their eyes open during the Superbowl.  The fearless trainees were instructed to beware of those wearing hooded sweatshirts, using a video camera, recording the action on a cell phone or having the audacity to drive a van to the big game.

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Folks, it’s never too late to live your dream!  Being a secret agent has never been easier.  You have been empowered by the United States government to look out for your country and become a hero.  Songs will be written about you and children will venerate your name…it may even be added to the Pledge of Allegiance.

You, my friend, have been recruited to rat out your neighbors to save the country….it’s time to take action and kick some terrorist butt!