Something strange has happened to me over the last few weeks, it’s hard to describe…my coping mechanisms seem to have turned themselves off, either that or they have gone on holiday, and an extended one at that.
Those who read Underground Medic regularly will know that almost exactly a year ago we moved from the city to a house on a small island near the sea. It needed work, lots and lots of work. We took it on anyway, knowing we could never afford a property that was already done up in the area. We allowed double what we would have allowed in the city to repair it where workmen are never more than a mile or two away. Double wasn’t enough, nowhere near enough.
As a result, our estimated nine month renovation grinds on, slowly, very slowly. My one plug socket in the room that will one day be a kitchen has an extension lead that blows fuses daily if I forget and try and use two power hungry appliances at the same time.
The new extension leaked in the last round of torrential rain and the builder is dragging his feet on the repairs.
My husband is going to work in Kenya towards the end of this year, he will not be here to see the renovation through to what is turning out to be a very bitter end.
Talking of Kenya, the UK Foreign office announced today all British tourists are being brought home due to an increased terrorism threat, they should all be back before he flies out to see the new corporate site in a few weeks time, a check to see how things are progressing.
He is away a good deal anyway so I am used to coping alone, but suddenly find I am not coping nearly as well as usual.
There have been changes at work. Not big or life changing, not unfair in any way, but enough that I have been reduced to a quivering wreck, only to change to a seething, angry stranger a few minutes later, before diverting back to tears.
I work for the greatest bunch of people God put breath into…there is no problem, except I feel like there is.
I promised to sort something out for a friend, something really important to him…he is still waiting. I’m sorry SD, I WILL do as I promised, soon, really.
Emails are going unanswered, I can’t think what to write. These are my friends for God sakes, and I am ignoring them.
This site is being neglected because I can’t concentrate long enough to get stuck in and do something with it.
I am officially overwhelmed and I don’t like it one little bit.
I am usually a rational, logical individual and I know I am being irrational. I have never before felt that I want to press the reset button and start again. A nice, calm, organised reboot of the system that is me.
I need some time, some time to do nothing, some time to potter around doing mindless, but useful stuff like weeding the garden.
I need some time without builders, electricians and plumbers et al.
I need some time away from the news so I don’t know what’s happening in Kenya.
I need people to stop saying “Oh I admire you, I just couldn’t live in this”
I also need the same people to stop saying ” I am amazed how you manage to produce such good meals in this” as they tuck into their third helping.
I need the vacuum not to be so congested with plaster dust I don’t have to strip it down after every use.
I need an effing kitchen and I need it now! Right NOW!!!!
So, to all of those people I am snapping at, ignoring, failing to help etc. I apologise. The spinning plates I have been balancing on poles for months have just fallen off and smashed. I will buy new ones and get them spinning again soon.
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Contributed by Lizzie Bennett of Underground Medic.
Lizzie Bennett retired from her job as a senior operating department practitioner in the UK earlier this year. Her field was trauma and accident and emergency and she has served on major catastrophe teams around the UK. Lizzie publishes Underground Medic on the topic of preparedness.