You Have Got To Be F&*$@!g Kidding Me

Times are hard. Scientific grants are getting cut left and right. The human race is, as it has always been, in a precarious position.

We are at the mercy of the elements, adverse weather kills hundreds of thousands of people each year.

Volcanoes are maintaining a higher level of activity that they have in the recent past, and scientists tell us that Yellowstone could be getting itself geared up to blow.

Solar flares are popping off on an almost daily basis as we reach the solar maximum and a Carrington level event is a certainty at some point in the future.

Societal collapse is thought by many to be coming closer by the day, and a financial collapse that makes 2008 look like a kids party is just a matter of time.

The government is trying to take our guns, preventing us from defending ourselves.

We are being forced to vaccinate our children even though the vaccines often pose a greater health risk than the disease they are meant to prevent. And to cap it all off, the government is so in bed with Monsanto we are damaging our long term health by eating GMO Frankenfoods that often barely resemble or even taste like real food.

So, in the light of all the stuff going on right now I was surprised, to say the least, to find that scientists at Brigham Young University are studying…wait for it…URINE SPLASHBACK.

Yes, you read that right. Esteemed scientists are being paid to improve the way we pee. They will present their findings at an American Physical Society conference. The abstract reads:

“In response to harsh and repeated criticisms from our mothers and several failed relationships with women, we present the splash dynamics of a simulated human male urine stream,”

“So by the time it hits the urinal, it’s already in droplet form. And these droplets are the perpetrators of the splash formation on your khaki pants.” (source)

The team maintains that there is a serious side to their research. Can it be serious enough to protect the human race from all the threats we face? I doubt it.

They have even published a list to help men ‘pee better’:

Techniques to reduce splashes

• Getting as close as possible – a smooth unbroken stream is better than droplets
• Angling the stream – aiming sideways or downwards instead of straight at the toilet water/wall
• Placing toilet tissue in the bowl to soften impact
• Hydrophobic coatings for toilets
• Being a “sitzpinkler” – sitting down instead of standing

Bet you will sleep better in your beds tonight knowing that Brigham Young scientists are there to help in a crisis.

This gives a whole new meaning to taking the piss.

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