Emily Sandblade won the Soapbox Idol competition from Porcfest 2011 with the following speech in which she discussed why the mafia is better than the state.
“The next time somebody argues that anarchy results in an increase in organized crime, smile sweetly and tell that person that it would be a real improvement over the state.”
Emily Sandblade, 2011
10. The mafia has a sense of honor. If they say they’ll do something, they’ll do it.
9. The mafia code-of-conduct is simple and clear, and unfettered by legal doublespeak and millions of regulations.
8. When competing mafia families go to war they don’t kill thousands of civilians as collateral damage. War is the health of the state but for the mafia it’s bad for business.
7. Instead of conducting the war on drugs and [on] the American people, the mafia is perfectly happy to peacefully provide high quality products to those who desire them.
6. When you buy protection from the mafia, you get protection. When you buy protection from the state you can dial 9-1-1 and die.
5. The mafia’s protection is much less expensive than the state’s. The mafia wants 10% – 15% of your profits, and the various levels of government want at least 40% to 50% of your profits.
4. Unlike the state, the mafia actually wants your business to succeed. They know that ruining your business means that you can’t pay for protection. The mafia imposes almost no regulatory overhead, nor do they require that you waste your time filling out zillions of self-incriminating tax forms.
3. The mafia won’t keep you from having a gun to protect yourself and your family. The state prefers that you be disarmed. The mafia will gladly sell you the means to protect yourself – and they won’t bother with a Brady check either.
2. The state wants to regulate what you do in your bedroom. The mafia will gladly sell you whatever you need to enhance your enjoyment.
1. Members of the mafia have a great sense of style, dress far better than government bureaucrats and are much easier on the eyes.
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