The Plot Thickens: Putin Seizes Ukraine’s Spy Dolphins and No, He Isn’t Giving Them Back

First of all, did you even know that the Ukraine had a team of spy dolphins?

Yes, spy dolphins. No, I’m not just making this up and no, it’s not a cute monicker for some elite human military tactical unit.

I’m literally talking about some bad ass spy dolphins.

Via the Daily Mail:

The combat dolphins are trained for military duties at the Crimean State Oceanarium, which was inherited by Ukraine when the Soviet Union collapsed 23 years ago.

The creatures are trained to hunt for mines, plant bombs on hostile ships or attack enemy divers with special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.

Others were schooled for anti-sabotage and rescue missions.

Well, now they are Putin’s bad ass spy dolphins, as the specially trained animals were seized during Russia’s annexation of Crimea back in March. Moscow has officially announced the dolphins will not be returned.

That’s right. Crimean spy dolphin jurisdiction has officially been handed over to the Russian Defence Ministry, for which Mail was sure to spin the point, “means they could now be used in underwater naval operations against the West.”

Okay… So that’s where we’re at now… spy dolphins.

Guess all bets are off.

Perhaps I should be taking this more seriously the way the Daily Mail is, but for some reason all I can think of is that scene is Austin Powers where Dr. Evil is throwing a fit because he didn’t get his one simple request:

“You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!”