Florida Man Caught in Sex Scandal with Mannequin and Ice Penis?

Breaking News, Breaking News folks. And this one is gonna make you feel a bit lifeless, so brace yourselves for today’s iLulz.

This just in, hot off the presses: a Florida mannequin (that’s right, mannequin, not man, though a Florida man is also about to appear in this story) is suing a political consultant, Florida man (that’s right, I FINALLY got to LEGIT say Florida Man in an iLulz) Joshua Cooper for sexually aggressing on her (though I don’t want to assume genders and she didn’t fully indicate what her gender was, though I am going to go ahead and continue to refer to her as a she, because convenience).

The lawsuit stems from a May 2017 incident in which Cooper allegedly (ALLEGEDLY, don’t want Cooper to come after my vast empire of nothing, so that’s a CYA right there, it sure is) sexually aggressed upon the supermodel superstar mannequin (who I am ASSUMING is a woman, a womannequin) using a phallic-shaped block of ice (see picture above).

The full details of the incident remain concealed at this time and, for now, the womannequin is not talking.

Joshua Cooper is considered to be the oppo research goon of the current governor of Florida, FLORIDA MAN Rick Scott (well, he IS a man, and he IS from Florida). The allegations could prove costly in his bid to remain on the payroll of Governor Rick Scott, so the Florida media is all a twitter with the scandalous allegations.

What’s more, even if the womanequin isn’t talking, there is an INCRIMINATING picture of the whole sordid moment (again, see the photo above) that was originally posted on Cooper’s Barbecue Cooking Team’s twitter account.  The name of the team is Swino, and their slogan is “Getting it moist, and keeping it there.”

I’d say this dude is done. No more cash for you from Rick Scott, and, probably, Rick Scott is gonna be done soon because of the fine American tradition of guilt by association. Rick Scott is nothing but a womannequin sex aggressor enabler. Probably. If his party affiliation and views don’t match my own then, yeah, he’s that thing, that womannequin sex aggressor enabler thing.

Cooper told the Florida media, “It is not at all what it looks like. That was a photo one of my barbecue teammates took. That was our ice luge. It melted, so I was picking it up and throwing it over the fence there. But from the angle he took the picture from, my teammates thought it looked funny and posted it online.”

Yep. Random interesting factoid insertion time. Something you may have JUST learned but may have forgotten, the slogan for Cooper’s barbecue cooking team is, “Getting it moist and keeping it there.”

Truth be told, as far as the politics of this thing (and the spreading of this months-old picture does appear to be politically motivated) there’s not much to this photo. But, in service of the memes, Cooper and his teammates are doing yeoman’s work right here, they sure are. That photo is infinitely meme-able.

And, whether the photo really is what it looks like to me, a dude menacing a womannequin with an ice penis, or it is what Cooper says it is, a photo snapped at an awkward time, it’s still worthy of being our iLulz of the day.

End note: In case you’re playing along and have actually read one of my iLulz’s before, no, the mannequin is NOT suing Cooper. So, don’t go bother looking for court documents because there aren’t any.

The moral of the story? If someone tells you to keep it in your pants, but your penis is made of ice, tell them “that’s cold,” and walk away in a huff, with righteous indignation.