Satire: A Letter from Mark Zuckerberg About Facebookâs IPO
The Borowitz Report
May 17th, 2012
Reader Views: 531
Dear Potential Investor:
For years, youâve wasted your time on Facebook.Â Now hereâs your chance to waste your money on it, too.
Tomorrow is Facebookâs IPO, and I know what some of you are thinking.Â How will Facebook be any different from the dot-com bubble of the early 2000âs?
For one thing, those bad dot-com stocks were all speculation and hype, and werenât based on real businesses.Â Facebook, on the other hand, is based on a solid foundation of angry birds and imaginary sheep.
Second, Facebook is the most successful social network in the world, enabling millions to share information of no interest with people they barely know.
Third, every time someone clicks on a Facebook ad, Facebook makes money.Â And while no one has ever done this on purpose, millions have done it by mistake while drunk.Â We totally stole this idea from iTunes.
Finally, if you invest in Facebook, youâll be far from alone.Â As a result of using Facebook for the past few years, over 900 million people in the world have suffered mild to moderate brain damage, impairing their ability to make reasoned judgments.Â These will be your fellow Facebook investors.
With your help, if all goes as planned tomorrow, Facebookâs IPO will net $100 billion.Â To put that number in context, it would take JP Morgan four or five trades to lose that much money.
One last thing: what will, I, Mark Zuckerberg, do with the $18 billion Iâm expected to earn from Facebookâs IPO?Â Well, Iâm considering buying Greece, but that would still leave me with $18 billion.Â LOL.
This is not an actual letter from Mark Zuckerberg and isÂ solelyÂ for entertainment purposes
Delivered by The Daily Sheeple
Contributed by Andy Borowitz of The Borowitz Report.
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